Today I guess I am supposed to be sad. I mean that would be the normal reaction when something ends that you really thought would last forever. I’m not though. Sure I am sad that the time is gone and that there won’t be any more of the fun adventures we shared, but at the same time I guess I just feel like it had reached its end. I wanted it to last. Of all the people I had ever written about this was the one that I felt was right for me. I felt like I had actually tried to find the best fit for me and I had succeeded finally at that. All was perfect. Both of our goals in life, our dreams, the city we wanted to live in, the hobbies, and even the spiritual ideals. The struggles that we went through together over the last 8 months made it seem like we could get through anything; “the worst was over” type thinking. Guess we were wrong.

I am writing once again from Los Angeles. As you all are well aware of it’s a city I have always dreamt of and finally made it to a few years back by reaching hard for the most in life and never taking no for an answer. After a couple returns to Oregon to clear my head I decided the time was right to once again head back to the city of angels, this time with what I had always wanted by my side. We had no plan, no job, no house, and no money. We did it anyway. Thinking that if it was meant to be it would all fall into place. And it did. But it took a while. The stress about finances drove us both into frustration often taking it out on the other. I do feel bad, I was drastically harder then I should have been. Through all those outbursts and stresses there was still forward progress towards the goal we had always talked about. I landed the job that I wanted more than any job I had had prior and was excited for it to change our lives. We’d never get that far.

I’ve mentioned before that relationships take work. They shouldn’t take too much work however. They exist to provide you with companionship through the hard times and extra joy during the good, a support system that you can’t find on your own. When that support system starts to deteriorate there becomes little use for the relationship as it becomes more work maintaining the relationship then it would without it. I tried to stretch myself so thin for this one. Doing all I could to build that dream we spent 8 months talking about always sacrificing personal gains for the better of the both. I already know that she’ll saying I’m trying to make myself out to be a god or that I did nothing for her, but I did. She forgets the little things; the times I was there through tears after 3am walks to a parking lot, the venting phone calls, the stressed out nights I sat up and talked, the siding with her always, and everything in between. I admit that when we came to LA my fuse became shorter and I would lash out in inappropriate ways and I shouldn’t have. However at the same time I felt like I was the only one pushing to be better. I just know her potential; when she sets her mind to something she gets it. I wish she would have done that more.

When I took her back to Portland I knew that it would be the end. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t. Despite her telling me the night before we left that “we’ll be ok” I knew we wouldn’t. We would get there and get all her stuff squared away with her car then I would return to LA and she would start doing the same thing she was here in Portland, trading one bedroom for another. I tried to keep it alive and of course my frustration came out one night when it shouldn’t have. I just had a moment and let my anger fly. I don’t know why but that is all in the past now. I don’t even know where I am going with this…

I guess I just wish that I could find someone who is committed to make something work. Someone to fight for me like I fight for them, to adore me like I adore them. To find, once again, what I almost had here and all the rest of it too. I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. I am trying to work on them. I just need someone who is willing to work through it all with me too; someone that I can spend my time with constantly growing and becoming better. There will be hard times and slip-ups but how we will recover from those is what will make us untouchable. Does that even exist?

What do you do when you give up on something? Why do you even give up in the first place? Some people do because it’s too hard and it’s just easier to give up. Maybe in all reality that should always be listed as part of the reason anyone gives up anything because as I type this sentence I came to the realization that no matter what was given up on; if it was easy they would have never given up. I had a great conversation about soulmates the other day with a person who doesn’t believe in them. However she was able to separate that belief out of the conversation, which is a remarkable feat in itself, but we talked about how come “soulmates” don’t always end up together. The reason I said was that either they rushed into something before there soulmate comes along or they give up on their soulmate for one reason or another, at some point though your soulmate will come into your life. Probably multiple times. Where you have a romantic encounter isn’t the point, the soulmate will come regardless of anything in both your lives they will come. I listed a few examples she would know and understand and all in all I think is was one of the most insightful conversations I have had as of late.

I just broke a cardinal rule again and allowed something back in my life I swore I never would again. I guess that’s the magnetism of an individual that could be in the running for a soulmate. Having that realization of her potential allowed me to think in a different pattern then usual and made me more cautious about making the mistake of letting her walk out of my life if that’s what it could be. But after a few days I started feeling the same inklings of what I feared, or as she put it, my insecurities creeping back into my mind. I am a linear thinker and I see patterns and little flaws in people that usually drive me to just be annoyed. With her there was none. At all. Until the end. Even at the end it was just one. The thing was she always said it was me being selfish and wanting more, and I’ll admit I did to a point. However in reality it was me knowing that the person she was when she was out of the situation was the person I was connected to, when that situation existed there was always second guess and hesitation in the decisions she was making. She was over all a better person removed from it. I was proud of her and happy of her potential and always wanted her to maximize it. People can’t maximize any potential when they are stuck in a circular cycle. That’s the thing about circles, they go around and around forever with no forward progress.

So I had to make a decision; say nothing, fake it, and go on ignoring it or say something and let it be known risking it all in hopes that they will realize what I am saying and maybe, just maybe do something about it. Of course I chose to risk it, If I didn’t I run the risk of being unhappy with someone I care more about then life itself. But ya see it’s a catch-22. If I do say something she could resent me and be unhappy and think there is a level of control that isn’t what I am saying. I just want the best for her no matter who she is with and where she goes. It didn’t work. My words were construed and twisted and soon I was battling words trying to clarify my other words and the overall point was lost in a cloud of fragmented arguments and everything was lost. There was no longer a point for any side on what was being said.

So then you ask yourself one last question in the middle of it all; “Can I let my soulmate go?” For a lot of people the answer is always no. For a select few strong individuals the answer is yes. My answer was a hard yes. She wasn’t happy at that moment and I wasn’t going to force her. I understood her argument. I really did. I don’t think it was the only option or a smart option but it was one that made her feel comfortable. I knew why but I couldn’t understand why she’d want that. She knew it wasn’t right for her to be in it. I knew it too. I tried to let it go, but it caused more harm then it did good and deep down she knew it too. I just wasn’t going to sit by and say nothing about it. It needed to be out in the open. And I guess looking back I don’t care if it looks like I was insecure. I was nervous yeah, but only because it was a choice. There were other places she could have gone, and I am not saying back here with me either. She had more friends. She chose there, there is no way around it. And I couldn’t bare to see someone who had done so much fall right back into the same pattern. The epiphany that we could potentially be locked into this ever repeating cycle again and again was enough to make me say something. I laid it all on the line. I said like it was as best I could. Bits and pieces were heard but not all of it. She said her peace one last time, I listened and I let her go. Will I regret letting her go. Absolutely, but we will never be the way I want us to be or the way she wants us to be. I can’t do what she wants and she can’t do what I want. We are linked by a higher force for sure. A bond like that is pure electricity and can’t be broken. We can always feel when the other is near or thinking, even if we’re far away. When we were “on” there was nothing that could ever bring us apart. Ever. But when we were “off” it was so foreign to both of us that we got confused and angry at each other quickly.

I guess this rambling that I am typing here is more of a way for me to wade through the flood of thoughts in my head and get it out. Sorry if it’s not as elegant or formatted as other posted but this one is different in itself. Usually I state that there is “only better things to come from here,” but there isn’t this time. This was the pinnacle. Even with our flaws when we were off it doesn’t matter; we were so rarely off that it’s all water under the bridge. The high water mark has been reached in my life. All others will bring bits and pieces of what we had into my life, not all of it though. Hopefully I can find myself with enough of it to make me happy again. We’ll see. At least now I know where the line is that I draw with my patience and understanding. She will forever be my soulmate I am sure and I am thankful that I met her and had that for as long as I did. All things I’ve written here before about all others doesn’t hold a fraction of the emotion I felt for her. I was ignorant before when I spoke about them, ignorant to what this felt like. There was no comparison.

I will write more tomorrow, just need to find the words.

The world is a silly place these days. Things can change in an instant. One moment you can have everything working perfect as if all the stars were aligned and all your ducks in a row but in an instant the whole system can collapse. These changes and how you react to them are what truly define your character as a human. I am witnessing two drastically different reactions to similar scenarios and the results are intriguing. Both are dealing with job loss and relationship changes at the same time. When you take two heavy blows like that back to back you really see what kind of person you are. You are really at a crossroads in life where you can choose one of two directions; pick yourself up, dust your shoulders off, and immediately start searching for what’s next; or you can give up, do nothing, and say fuck everything and disappear into a spiral of reckless and irresponsible behavior. Which would you choose? Most people will automatically say the first, but is it true?

I watched as someone I cared more for then I ever have about anyone do the latter. They started off fine by focusing on what was next and realized that the world really was at their fingertips. They were smiling and happy despite the dire circumstances surrounding the most part of their life. But then they started to focus on the past more than the future and let themselves spin into a depressed and unmotivated state. It was sad to witness the potential of this person just vanish like dust on a windy day. All the life and joy that was in this person’s life was gone from their eyes and replaced by a lifeless and quiet hopelessness that no one could pull them out of. It was heartbreaking. I spent more time and attention on this person than I ever have with anyone before. They were amazing but they let their past destroy them and all that made them special. They did all of this knowing full well what they were doing too.

What do you do when you see someone doing this to themselves? The answer is nothing. The more you try and save them the more they will resent you for even trying at all. People who do this to themselves can’t be saved. It sounds bad but these people are doomed. There seems to be no point in trying to let them know what they can be or do. They simply want to be nothing and any form of encouragement you give them will make them feel controlled or trapped, even if you are just offering a suggestion and not making a demand. Some people love misery. They bask and bathe in it like Bathory in the tub. They let it run thick and cover them entirely.

What do you do when you let the best thing you have ever encountered walk away because of this? How do you react? Should you be mad or frustrated? No, it was nothing you could have done to prevent it. It’s who they really were. All the potential in the world means nothing if someone isn’t willing to reach for their goals. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. What makes me different than those I mentioned above is that I will pick myself without hesitation and continue to take steps toward complete happiness and achieving my dreams. All of them. Nothing will stand in my way. Not even losing my complete soulmate to the darkness that I mentioned above. See you in the clouds.

It’s been a bumpy ride since I last checked in. I guess in reality since my last check in, I simply checked out. I lost focus on all that meaning and drive in my world and spent six straight months in a lifeless limbo of pointless misery. I’ve always said that you are the company you keep. No matter who you are or what your ideals are, you are guilty by association. Surrounding myself with unmotivated people that slammed me into a cycle of ease and didn’t require me to maximize my potential in all areas of my life was a casual and almost effortless mistake I could see myself making but couldn’t intervene and control the outcome of. Once again destiny stepped in and saved me, rescuing me from a downward spiral of discontent that would have probably ruined me. I would have disappeared into a soulless abyss and been a vague shell of the greatness I should have been.

Out of the clean wreckage I stumble onto a gem that has the potential to light the darkness in my life immediately. Without any expectations or hopes two people have come together and with the simplicity of having a meal together have unexpectedly changed both people’s futures. It always amazes me how circumstances align when a position crumbles in two completely separate lives at the exact same moment. The consequences of every choice those two people had made living their separate lives apart, never even knowing of each other’s existences, led up to a one chance conversation at the specific moment and with the one casual question “would you like to have dinner?” changed everything. A question that has been asked a million times today to a million other people. However these two people are the focus and the one that is worth noting. Two people sit with no expectations for either one because both had been at their wits end in their own lives for so long. But that’s what was beautiful about it; with that raw and uninhibited realness the true souls of those people was exposed from the first word. No lies, no need for impressing, no cares, just pure and complete honesty from both sides of that table. And then something happened. Those two people felt an instant electricity. A heat radiating between them that started to fill the space around them. The warmth covers the conversation and for the first time since either can remember; they’re having a good time, a wholesome and live moment of happiness despite knowing so little about each other. Then they realize that no matter what they learn about each other, it’ll probably be ok, because they are “in It” in that moment.

I know the past two years my life has seemed like a whirlwind of failed loves and silly relationship games. I try to tell myself to settle down and roll with the punches and let the world place me exactly where I need to be placed and just lead me naturally to where I need to be. I’ve been trying to force it the past two years moving fast for sake of simply not being lonely. Attaching myself to the first thing I find and for some unknown reason holding on to it for more than that brief moment. I am tired of wasting time. I am taking my own advice. I am rolling with it now. But when do you know when that time is right? What if it was almost as quick as the past ones but this time it really is on a whole different level. What’s so different this time is that I wasn’t even lonely when it happened. I was totally at peace with myself and happy where I was. There was literally no pain from the last one at all to try and distract myself from. I was fine coming home and chillin’ and going out with friends again with no agenda. Now I find myself in this situation where I am and it’s different because there was no agenda. It was just two people being as real as two people could ever been with anyone. And we both might be starting to realize we have something unique here. I observe myself with Kim and I find myself breaking my “be a dick to everyone” rules and being powerless to everything she is. She brings out the best parts of me with no effort whatsoever. No words from her, no fronts, no lies, just her being everything that is her. The comfort that both of us have around each other is incredible. It’s almost like we were best friends in another life and now we are back together, each overcoming our own demons that we know we can help each other overcome. So this is where I stand right now. I have no expectations, I of course have hopes, but I can’t push them on her. If we are as good as I think we are together then it’ll be sealed. There won’t need to be hope, it’ll just be. We’ll see…

Trust is so key in a relationship. It’s the foundation that you build that whole house of love. Sometimes you can make a conscious choice to be trusting and not jealous. You still feel the doubt but choose not to vocalize them and eventually you shove them so far down that you don’t even realize you’re feeling them. Then all of the sudden, like the rush when a dam breaks, something breaks you and then they all come flooding down the canyon and destroy everything in their path. The last two relationships I have been in I have been working on my trust and jealousy. That ate up the ones of the past and since I am smart enough to realize this fault I decided to work on it. I did damn good too. So good in fact that the trust and freedom actually starts to affect me negatively again. Sometimes they actually get upset because I am now so easy going and act live everything is cool. Yes, I am still feeling it! I just want to be the best I can and not be controlling anymore. But apparently there is some call for a little control and to set up boundaries early. If you don’t when you set one up it can be culture shock for your partner. I just try so hard to be all things to my girl. So hard. I always listen to everything she says she didn’t like about her last relationships and focus on being the opposite. I now find that if she says she didn’t like those things but some of them she did a little. Even on a subconscious level. And I also find that when you become prince charming girls might start to resent you for it. They are so used to things one way and then now it’s all different and the change makes them freak out a little. When that happens they start to take it for granted quickly. Then if one thing goes wrong they explode because they are trying to adjust to this new perfect and that one sliver of issue throws them into defensive mode. Right now the position I feel I am in is; hopeless. I simply can’t win. I lose if I am controlling, I lose if I am too trusting. Where the fuck is the balance? Why does it have to be so complicated?

I’ve also noticed that girls have a hard time letting go of the most fucked up relationships. I don’t get it. The ones that hurt them the most are the ones they hang on to. It’s frightening to witness. They can have everything they’ve ever wanted in their arms but the mind will wander to the pain from the past that it refuses to let go of. I guess I can relate in a sense because I always seem to go for the damaged girls. I feel some sort of natural urge to show them wonderful things and to protect them and show them what they can have. But I always lose in the end. Why do I do this to myself? I am aware of me doing it but I can’t stop. I just have to fix everything always. I need to tell myself that I can’t fix those things and just let everything be as it will be. Now if I can just make myself listen to myself I would be good to go.