WhoIsJordanHarris.comJordan's site about music and life

Trying to find your words can be a struggle.  Funny how when you’re talking you seem to be able to swim through the sea of adjectives and find what you are looking for but when it can come to writing there can be a sense of drifting.  This whole year has been a bit of a wash.  Not really much to ever write home about or put in a memoir. Oh well.  All I can do now is try and make up for lost time and hope to find some sort of solace from the wasted time.  When you try and force something to work that just won’t it can be so emotionally draining that when you get the chance to walk away from it you actually don’t. It’s like an old rusty car, it’s such a struggle to get it going that when you get it idling you just can’t walk away from it no matter how much pain it took to get it going because the time invested in the act was so great that you just can’t get it in your head that you blew all that time on something that should have been as easy as turning a key once.  Finally you realize that that time you could have been doing real things to better yourself instead of trying to get something running that doesn’t want to be or shouldn’t even be running in the first place.  When you surround yourself with negativity, even if it’s lashing out during extreme moments, it can really start to wear on you and no matter how good you are at keeping a positive outlook on life eventually you will start to question yourself.  They say that you should look in the mirror from time to time and evaluate the person staring back, but what do you do if you started one day 10 months ago and were actually happy with that person, and then look a week ago and actually see a change for the worse.  I was told last week that I am a bad person and all this crap about being a loser and scum, and hearing those things often can make you question who you are, but sitting today after this week of reflection I have realized that I am a good person.  I used to often put those people I care about most above my needs and make sure they are comforted. And you know what, I still do.  It’s not my fault that the other person didn’t see or appreciate that, but I am the same way I was then today and others seem to see it.  I am a good person.  I have worked hard in my life to walk a honest and decent path.  And you know what, I think I am doing pretty fucking good.  You can try and take stabs at little things, minuet details that don’t even show up on the big picture; the painting that is my life.  The canvas is actually full of vibrant colors of the things I do that make other people smile and make me smile. Those colors just over all outweigh the dark colors.  And you see that big white space on the right? That’s where I will continue to paint the next part of my life.  Hopefully I have shed what was making it dark and bring it back to the light.  Thomas Kinkade would be proud.

Starting a new chapter is always weird.  It can be hard if you don’t have someone near you to support and help you through it.  It can be a battle that, if fought alone, you’ll just give up and retreat back to your old habits and comfortable feelings. However sometimes the stars in the sky align just right and out of the whirlwind of cosmic dust comes just the right formula and something happens to make your head spin. Not in the confused way, but in the daze of a surreal moment that is just what you needed to realize that you made the right choice.  Through the fog comes something brilliant and wonderful.  Something that others might have not seen or appreciated unless they were in your exact position at that exact moment in time.  All the factors add up to something incredible that can leave you breathless.  Even if just for a moment in time.  That moment, however,  is one of those moments that you would simply sacrifice everything to come in the future just to have and to hold it for a brief instant in time.  I was looking back through the few things I wrote down over the past year and I saw how I said that I was starting to lose faith in my “everything happens for a reason” attitude doubting that out of the bad moments in my life something wonderful comes to fruition.  Well in an instant that faith is restored.  Not by the perfect compatibility and same mind set but by a creative friendship that challenges my thoughts with the differences in her well spoken ideals and her ability to put her beliefs into words that make me understand and think more deeply about my own convictions and values.  It’s been so long since I have been able to have a conversation about those topics with someone who can truly challenge my mind with their insights and life adventure experiences.  I have learned in the last 5 days that you don’t have to live a hard and abused life to be wise and insightful.  You just have to go through this life with an open mind, and refuse to close it.  Absorbing your surroundings like a sponge and constantly learning from all things; good and bad.  What you do with that knowledge is so key.  Whether you use it to grow or whether you just possess it and lock it down deep inside of you and never let it affect you, this could be the difference between allowing you to achieve enlightenment or being a dull soulless life doomed to wander the depths of life repeating your own personal history.

I have an issue where I hate to be alone.  I crave the stability and the comfort of the known in this area of my life.  I seem to feel these days all the good girls seem to be either snatched up already or have kids.  The pond just seems to be getting smaller and smaller and there are just so few fish left in it that I worry I won’t catch anything worth keeping.  It always seems I find something despite this mentality though.  I don’t know why I can’t shake it.  It seems to contradict the “everything happens for a reason and something better will come out of it” mentality that I have but for some reason these two contrasting opinions are able to coexist freely in my mind without incident.  Too often I latch onto the first thing that comes my way and I end up getting burned in a few months.  I was told today that I should just stay single for awhile.  But then my fear of being alone sets in and my I get nervous and fearful.  I also am a firm believer in just letting things work themselves out and I think that with the faith I have I will just be guided down the right path.  What if that path is right in front of me already?  I have to figure these things out.  Is it right or is it just me seeking the first thing I see.  It sure feels amazing and what I am looking for in almost all areas with the few exceptions. I just don’t know right now and am confused I guess.  One thing I do for sure though; I wouldn’t trade the last 5 days for anything on the planet.  They literally changed my life, and I didn’t even realize how much I needed them.

Alright.  I am fed up with Drupal always deleting all my content on automatic upgrades so I am switching to WP.  More people dev for WP anyway…  Give me some time to get this built up.  I am gonna change the format of this site too…  Pictures are back.  Videos,  links, and store coming back soon too!

It’s been a long time since I posted something. My head has been a fog that is not even now really beginning to clear. Things change again and once more I find myself back in Southern California. Only now shedding my nomadic home and stepping out back into the scary world on my own and taking life one day at a time. I hear people say that I am crazy, selfish, foolish for making a snap decision at the end of last year and packing up everything, again, and three days later hauling off 1000 miles with little more than the clothes on my back. But I did it. You have to take those chances in life or you’ll never get anywhere. There really are two types of people in the world; the ones that say they’ll do things, and the one who actually do them. If you don’t fear the world and choose to leave things up to fate instead you’ll find that things often work themselves out on their own and the pieces of the puzzle fall right into place like it wants to be put together. You can’t lie dormant all your life, you and only you control your destiny and you have to be the motivator that pushes yourself to become more then what you are. If that’s what you want.

Constantly searching for more leads to the discovery of greater things. I sit and watch people around me sit idle or even stuck in their lives filled with monotony and repetition and I wonder how they can do it. Me, I found a place I love and I went after it. It took next to nothing really. It took a decision and a drive to execute on that decision. Nothing more. You can save money all your life and try and have a set plan when you get there, but ultimately you’ll wind up in the same place you would have if you had just left it up to chance. The stars have a strange way of aligning and causing things to just… work. When you get this ideal drilled into your head and start to truly believe it you’ll find a whole new world of immense possibilities opens up with endless opportunity and happiness found in all facets of your new daily life. Planning will only work out if conditions are perfect, however, just as the weather often teaches us, they never really will be. You just make a decision to do something on a day and do it.



The day is weird. I sit here now after planning on writing something on my drive to the office today. Then I make a decision to listen to some samples of my ex’s new record that came out on Tuesday. I knew there were some songs that were written during the good parts, the demise, and the post relationship fallout. And I am not going to lie. It makes me feel awkward. Of course not all of them are about me, I would be selfish to even assume that any are. But I know that girl better than anyone on the planet, even her family. Though I am a closed-in and a seemingly emotionless stone I still listen and learn people. I understand them better than most realize I do. Remember that I was with her through her most crucial transition from young girl to young woman in a world that makes people grow up faster than anyone should. At first it seemed like it was a slow transition, but in the industry everything can happen overnight. Literally. And it did. So now I listen to our memories that are forever captured on that plastic disc and will live on forever and that others now listen to and find some sort of common thread that makes them feel like they were/are just like we once were. This feeling and thought to me puts me in a weird frame of mind. Please read on and it will all make sense I promise.

Today as I drove to work I stumbled on a Keith Urban song called “Thank You” that he actually wrote about his battle with alcohol abuse and his wife, Nicole Kidman, supporting him and helping save him. This is what made me want to write this post today. There is a line in that song that goes:

“Now people say they’ll stand beside you, they swear they’ll never leave,
And when the rain started falling, you know it only fell on me,
And it was hard to keep believing in myself with so much pain and guilt and shame,
I couldn’t even ask for help.”

This was a serendipitous experience when it happened because I believe that true love, I mean the real kind, is standing by someone at the lowest point in their life, when all else is destroyed, ruined, and fucked. The stability of your companion’s love for you is the only force left in your life and at least you can always count on that. Their love is unconditional since it’s true and pure and so deep in both your lives. However if you have ruined everything, and you turn to your lover and ask for that love and they can’t give it until you “get help” then you are left completely alone. You are in a dark room with no windows, no doors, and no light of love to lead you forward to where you need to go. Maybe that true love never existed at all. This is a scary thought to think when you have spent so much of your life with someone and assumed it was there the whole time. Will I ever have that? I thought I did. Twice actually. But as fate rears her ugly head, it turns out I did not. I have always been a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” motto since out of every crashed relationship I have had something wonderful has come out of it. But this time it seems a little different. I thought it was ringing true, but again fate choose to not have it work. I don’t know if it is the world trying to give me a reality check on my “oh well fuck it attitude” and telling me I need to start caring more instead of cruising through trusting fate to pull me where I need to be, or if it is simply bad luck.

I thought I was once living a life on constant holiday. Having a great job, an easy going girl, living in a city I have always dreamt of living, and being happier than I realized. Then I hit critical mass and collapsed under the weight of my own mind, which often gets the best of me. I always let this happen. The paranoia of things going too well which then makes me think things are not what they seem. Then I start to question my choices that led me to where I am, and even the place I actually am. I question the longevity of the situation I am in and if it is actually the right one for me and where I am supposed to be at. I hate feeling like I am spinning wheels and when things stay the same for a long time, no matter how well it’s going, that sneaking feeling creeps and makes me piss my pants. Then my mind wanders further to the cautionary land of, “what else could I be?” And that is where I crumble. I fucking wish I could just embrace how fortunate I am sometimes and ease my complicated thoughts and surrender to my true happiness I am experiencing instead of getting greedy and wanting more when I am already full. What is wrong with me? I want so bad to say that I am where I am now for a reason, but I don’t believe it now. I think I am where I am as a direct result of the bad and selfish choices I have made in the past year. I regret them. And I don’t like feeling like that. I have never felt like this before. Now I step back from my own body and watch myself with outstretched hands in that dark room reaching for ANYTHING to hold onto, anything that can give me some sort of comfort and peace of mind that will let me know I am in a familiar place. Even if the object is foreign, I can find some sort of familiarity in it, just enough to be comforted for a moment in my panic. But that feeling is fleeting. And soon, I will be right back to where I was. Alone. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is not in my stars to live the life I thought I deserved and was on track to having. Maybe my mind will forever be my Achilles Heel. That would make sense; the thing I thought was most special about me turns out to be my weakest part and causes my whole existence to be destroyed.

I am damaged goods. A broken shell of a man wondering alone, and living on hope that one day it will all work out. However, that outlook is bleak.

It’s been a while since I have really posted a blog. For that I apologize.  Things have been hectic and I have regrettably overlooked posting my feelings on paper and have chosen to try other avenues of distraction.  I have come to the realization in recent days that a simple life with a simple girl is really not the path of life I am destined to live.  I will forever forge a path of complexity and seek out a more complicated companion with a deeper set of values that can provide the intrigue and curiosity I subconsciously desire.  We all say we want to live a simple life without complications that is easy gong and carefree, but is that really what we want?  Those things sound glorious on paper but living a life to that degree can get boring and monotonous.  Confrontation and diversity are the forces that drive people to become better and not settle in the end.  Spending each day trying new things and learning through your differences in the course of an intricate relationship is how you truly recognize your full potential.  Anything else would be settling.  Shall you ever find yourself with someone who does not share your values or ideals you are destined for failure.  For love cannot be a surface emotion.  It must be deep down in your whole existence and echoed through your daily experiences together, constantly learning more about your partner and yourself and growing together each and everyday through each of your unique personalities.  Someday I will find someone that will mirror my own complications and desire to live an exciting life filled with twists and turns that keep you wondering “what’s next” and stay fascinated by the multifaceted web we weave together and bask in the stimulation that will be us. Someday.  Peace, love, and happiness sound wonderful and cliché to say, but are they really what we crave in our own lives. I know I crave different. Something more dense and interesting.

Finding someone that can make me happy is a daunting task.  I have been asked why I need to have someone.  Truth is I don’t.  I just like it.  I like the companionship.  I like the fun movie nights, I like the nights out and looking across the bar and seeing that other person having a good time and smiling knowing that they are happy and being happy simply because they are too.  I like the dinners out and in, the walks around town and on the beach hand-in-hand.  I just like having someone nearby to hold when I need it or want it. Companionship is not that it’s a requirement that I need to fulfill, it’s just a comforting and pleasing thing to have.  I really do enjoy the time when two souls are growing together and learning from each other.  When it comes to relationships I tend to put my best foot forward and cast all worries to the wind and have faith that something will blossom.  Some people aren’t like that.  Some people have been hurt in the past, some people have just never been able to give themselves away like that. I am trying to understand that side of it, but it’s hard for me.  When things feel right I like to go with it.  I try and not hold back my true feelings in this area.  Yeah I get hurt because of this, but oh well.  At least I got to experience that level of satisfaction, no matter how brief.

Sometimes I have things that I do take for granted.  I know I do.  I need to fix this.  I will try and work at it.  Often I see potential in things that others apparently don’t think can be that big.  It sucks because then I never get the chance to try it and see if it can be done.  I’ll have to live without ever knowing what it could have been.  It hurts.  I don’t like it.  But I have no control over that.  It takes two to tango as they say.

I hope that someday soon I can find someone that puts that smile from yester-year on my face.  I want it back so bad.  Someone who, no matter how busy, can make time for me.  I do whatever I can for my other halves in this sense; I hope that someday someone can do that for me too.  I hope that I can find someone who is beautiful so that I can tell them that all the time, and maybe they’ll return the favor to make me feel good too (I know emo).  I hope I can find someone with the drive to succeed and the organization to actually achieve it.  Someone who is responsible and makes good logical decisions.  Someone who can tell when I am stressed or having a bad day, or even ask how my day was for that matter, and offer some way to help or calm me, even if it’s just a hug and a kiss.  I want the connection again.  I want to have the closeness that we know what each other is thinking and can act on it without words. I want those welcome home and goodnight kisses.  I want busy Saturdays doing anything outside of the house and lazy Sundays around the house.  I want good communication so there are never mixed words and jumbled meanings.  I just want to be happy.

I will do everything I can to make them smile as much as possible and be a positive, and supportive person in their life. Understanding the struggles of everyday life and showing them that they don’t have to go through them alone.  They just have to ask and I am there for them and I will be standing right next to them holding their hand and offering all the security and comfort I can possibly provide.  I want to give my all, everyday, like I always do and ultimately get hurt again.  It’s a cycle that always happens and I know I am doomed to repeat it, but again I long for it after it is all said and done.  I hope I can find it again, the outlook is bleak.