Trying to find your words can be a struggle. Funny how when you’re talking you seem to be able to swim through the sea of adjectives and find what you are looking for but when it can come to writing there can be a sense of drifting. This whole year has been a bit of a wash. Not really much to ever write home about or put in a memoir. Oh well. All I can do now is try and make up for lost time and hope to find some sort of solace from the wasted time. When you try and force something to work that just won’t it can be so emotionally draining that when you get the chance to walk away from it you actually don’t. It’s like an old rusty car, it’s such a struggle to get it going that when you get it idling you just can’t walk away from it no matter how much pain it took to get it going because the time invested in the act was so great that you just can’t get it in your head that you blew all that time on something that should have been as easy as turning a key once. Finally you realize that that time you could have been doing real things to better yourself instead of trying to get something running that doesn’t want to be or shouldn’t even be running in the first place. When you surround yourself with negativity, even if it’s lashing out during extreme moments, it can really start to wear on you and no matter how good you are at keeping a positive outlook on life eventually you will start to question yourself. They say that you should look in the mirror from time to time and evaluate the person staring back, but what do you do if you started one day 10 months ago and were actually happy with that person, and then look a week ago and actually see a change for the worse. I was told last week that I am a bad person and all this crap about being a loser and scum, and hearing those things often can make you question who you are, but sitting today after this week of reflection I have realized that I am a good person. I used to often put those people I care about most above my needs and make sure they are comforted. And you know what, I still do. It’s not my fault that the other person didn’t see or appreciate that, but I am the same way I was then today and others seem to see it. I am a good person. I have worked hard in my life to walk a honest and decent path. And you know what, I think I am doing pretty fucking good. You can try and take stabs at little things, minuet details that don’t even show up on the big picture; the painting that is my life. The canvas is actually full of vibrant colors of the things I do that make other people smile and make me smile. Those colors just over all outweigh the dark colors. And you see that big white space on the right? That’s where I will continue to paint the next part of my life. Hopefully I have shed what was making it dark and bring it back to the light. Thomas Kinkade would be proud.
Starting a new chapter is always weird. It can be hard if you don’t have someone near you to support and help you through it. It can be a battle that, if fought alone, you’ll just give up and retreat back to your old habits and comfortable feelings. However sometimes the stars in the sky align just right and out of the whirlwind of cosmic dust comes just the right formula and something happens to make your head spin. Not in the confused way, but in the daze of a surreal moment that is just what you needed to realize that you made the right choice. Through the fog comes something brilliant and wonderful. Something that others might have not seen or appreciated unless they were in your exact position at that exact moment in time. All the factors add up to something incredible that can leave you breathless. Even if just for a moment in time. That moment, however, is one of those moments that you would simply sacrifice everything to come in the future just to have and to hold it for a brief instant in time. I was looking back through the few things I wrote down over the past year and I saw how I said that I was starting to lose faith in my “everything happens for a reason” attitude doubting that out of the bad moments in my life something wonderful comes to fruition. Well in an instant that faith is restored. Not by the perfect compatibility and same mind set but by a creative friendship that challenges my thoughts with the differences in her well spoken ideals and her ability to put her beliefs into words that make me understand and think more deeply about my own convictions and values. It’s been so long since I have been able to have a conversation about those topics with someone who can truly challenge my mind with their insights and life adventure experiences. I have learned in the last 5 days that you don’t have to live a hard and abused life to be wise and insightful. You just have to go through this life with an open mind, and refuse to close it. Absorbing your surroundings like a sponge and constantly learning from all things; good and bad. What you do with that knowledge is so key. Whether you use it to grow or whether you just possess it and lock it down deep inside of you and never let it affect you, this could be the difference between allowing you to achieve enlightenment or being a dull soulless life doomed to wander the depths of life repeating your own personal history.
I have an issue where I hate to be alone. I crave the stability and the comfort of the known in this area of my life. I seem to feel these days all the good girls seem to be either snatched up already or have kids. The pond just seems to be getting smaller and smaller and there are just so few fish left in it that I worry I won’t catch anything worth keeping. It always seems I find something despite this mentality though. I don’t know why I can’t shake it. It seems to contradict the “everything happens for a reason and something better will come out of it” mentality that I have but for some reason these two contrasting opinions are able to coexist freely in my mind without incident. Too often I latch onto the first thing that comes my way and I end up getting burned in a few months. I was told today that I should just stay single for awhile. But then my fear of being alone sets in and my I get nervous and fearful. I also am a firm believer in just letting things work themselves out and I think that with the faith I have I will just be guided down the right path. What if that path is right in front of me already? I have to figure these things out. Is it right or is it just me seeking the first thing I see. It sure feels amazing and what I am looking for in almost all areas with the few exceptions. I just don’t know right now and am confused I guess. One thing I do for sure though; I wouldn’t trade the last 5 days for anything on the planet. They literally changed my life, and I didn’t even realize how much I needed them.