Trust is so key in a relationship. It’s the foundation that you build that whole house of love. Sometimes you can make a conscious choice to be trusting and not jealous. You still feel the doubt but choose not to vocalize them and eventually you shove them so far down that you don’t even realize you’re feeling them. Then all of the sudden, like the rush when a dam breaks, something breaks you and then they all come flooding down the canyon and destroy everything in their path. The last two relationships I have been in I have been working on my trust and jealousy. That ate up the ones of the past and since I am smart enough to realize this fault I decided to work on it. I did damn good too. So good in fact that the trust and freedom actually starts to affect me negatively again. Sometimes they actually get upset because I am now so easy going and act live everything is cool. Yes, I am still feeling it! I just want to be the best I can and not be controlling anymore. But apparently there is some call for a little control and to set up boundaries early. If you don’t when you set one up it can be culture shock for your partner. I just try so hard to be all things to my girl. So hard. I always listen to everything she says she didn’t like about her last relationships and focus on being the opposite. I now find that if she says she didn’t like those things but some of them she did a little. Even on a subconscious level. And I also find that when you become prince charming girls might start to resent you for it. They are so used to things one way and then now it’s all different and the change makes them freak out a little. When that happens they start to take it for granted quickly. Then if one thing goes wrong they explode because they are trying to adjust to this new perfect and that one sliver of issue throws them into defensive mode. Right now the position I feel I am in is; hopeless. I simply can’t win. I lose if I am controlling, I lose if I am too trusting. Where the fuck is the balance? Why does it have to be so complicated?

I’ve also noticed that girls have a hard time letting go of the most fucked up relationships. I don’t get it. The ones that hurt them the most are the ones they hang on to. It’s frightening to witness. They can have everything they’ve ever wanted in their arms but the mind will wander to the pain from the past that it refuses to let go of. I guess I can relate in a sense because I always seem to go for the damaged girls. I feel some sort of natural urge to show them wonderful things and to protect them and show them what they can have. But I always lose in the end. Why do I do this to myself? I am aware of me doing it but I can’t stop. I just have to fix everything always. I need to tell myself that I can’t fix those things and just let everything be as it will be. Now if I can just make myself listen to myself I would be good to go.