The world is a silly place these days. Things can change in an instant. One moment you can have everything working perfect as if all the stars were aligned and all your ducks in a row but in an instant the whole system can collapse. These changes and how you react to them are what truly define your character as a human. I am witnessing two drastically different reactions to similar scenarios and the results are intriguing. Both are dealing with job loss and relationship changes at the same time. When you take two heavy blows like that back to back you really see what kind of person you are. You are really at a crossroads in life where you can choose one of two directions; pick yourself up, dust your shoulders off, and immediately start searching for what’s next; or you can give up, do nothing, and say fuck everything and disappear into a spiral of reckless and irresponsible behavior. Which would you choose? Most people will automatically say the first, but is it true?
I watched as someone I cared more for then I ever have about anyone do the latter. They started off fine by focusing on what was next and realized that the world really was at their fingertips. They were smiling and happy despite the dire circumstances surrounding the most part of their life. But then they started to focus on the past more than the future and let themselves spin into a depressed and unmotivated state. It was sad to witness the potential of this person just vanish like dust on a windy day. All the life and joy that was in this person’s life was gone from their eyes and replaced by a lifeless and quiet hopelessness that no one could pull them out of. It was heartbreaking. I spent more time and attention on this person than I ever have with anyone before. They were amazing but they let their past destroy them and all that made them special. They did all of this knowing full well what they were doing too.
What do you do when you see someone doing this to themselves? The answer is nothing. The more you try and save them the more they will resent you for even trying at all. People who do this to themselves can’t be saved. It sounds bad but these people are doomed. There seems to be no point in trying to let them know what they can be or do. They simply want to be nothing and any form of encouragement you give them will make them feel controlled or trapped, even if you are just offering a suggestion and not making a demand. Some people love misery. They bask and bathe in it like Bathory in the tub. They let it run thick and cover them entirely.
What do you do when you let the best thing you have ever encountered walk away because of this? How do you react? Should you be mad or frustrated? No, it was nothing you could have done to prevent it. It’s who they really were. All the potential in the world means nothing if someone isn’t willing to reach for their goals. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. What makes me different than those I mentioned above is that I will pick myself without hesitation and continue to take steps toward complete happiness and achieving my dreams. All of them. Nothing will stand in my way. Not even losing my complete soulmate to the darkness that I mentioned above. See you in the clouds.
I would have to disagree with some of your statements. Its very true when a person hits rock bottom, part of them..even most of them want to just give up completely and not give a damn anymore. Some people do want to be reckless and do whatever it takes to feel nothing anymore. But I think if you actually ever really knew this girl your talking about at all-you would know that she isnt “doomed” no one is doomed unless they choose to be. This girl is not. When your world falls apart you sometimes need to morn, be sad, laugh, even cry a little. How the hell can you say that person is doomed? You are very quick to make assumsions about other ppl yet have the nerve to make yourself sound like some sort if hero who can get through anything. I am sure you can get through a lot but no one is superman. We would not be human if life were so easy. I guess I just wish you would take a step back and realize maybe this girl just wasnt ready for forever right away. I mean- go back and read your other post. How many girls did you talk anout in here? How there so different and special and your just so happy ect. You say such simliar things about each girl you write on here. You make yourself sound like a god and be little everyone else around you. I am not doomed Jordan I just didnt want to be with you. You couldnt give me the space and time I needed. Everything would have been just fine if you had but no. You gave me no time to be sad-you always wanted to save me and it was really nice of you to just want me to be happy but if you knew me at all you would of known what I actually needed. You cant sit there and make me sound like I am some poor broken down girl. Sure i am having a rough time in my life, sure I am depressed and sad, But I have done everything on my own since I was 18. I Have always known my dreams and have somehow gotten to them. The larger ones are a little more harder to reach but I have never had a doubt in my mind that I wouldnt at least try. Californina is right around the corner in my future. I never needed you to save me. I appreciate all you did for me but you wanted me to just be madly in love with you right away. I was nothing but honest with you from day one. I told you how I was and how it would be. You always tried to change my mind. Stop putting the blame on other people. You were great to me, you really were but when the smothering came into place and instead of just laying the back off you pushe and pushed. You knew what was wrong and if you had actually trusted me at all things would have been so different. You trusted me at first then I have no idea what I did or what happened to make you not trust me. After that it was all down hill. Instead of you being my night in shiny armor like you always were, you became another huge stress in my life. and yes you are so right thats when i started to resent you. We were no longer the “us” I hd known. at least I can admit what was my fault. You never will. I didnt write this to argue or to be mean or bitter. I just dont think you have the right to ever say someone is doomed. I really thought you knew me so much better then that..guess not.
I never make or made myself out to be a god. I have my flaws. I can be jealous and untrusting of people. I know these things and I try to work on them. I do and you know I do. You saw it in the end Kim. I did back off and just didn’t say much of anything to you. And you didn’t say much to me either. That break down right there in our always amazing communication is what ruined us. You can say now that I wasn’t what you wanted and that you didn’t want me but less than three weeks ago you were saying the complete opposite and that you did want me and that you were falling for me. You even had the urge to ask Moriah about your feelings in June. But then something changed. I know you got sad. But you let that sadness consume your entire life. That is what dooms you. You force stop yourself from ANY happiness. You lie to yourself and force yourself to believe in different feelings that you think you “should” be feeling instead of the actual feelings you ARE feeling. Maybe someday you’ll learn to allow yourself to actually feel the emotions your body wants and not what you think it needs. Sometimes releasing yourself and letting feelings consume you, whether the rest of the world thinks its right or not is the right thing to to do.
You’re right, there are a lot of other girls I have talked about in here. But at least I took a chance on each of them and tired to be happy. You took one chance a long time ago, got burned, and now block yourself from happiness. I would rather try again and again to be happy and hopefully find it instead of focus on something in the past that hadn’t even made me happy in years. When I walk away from a bad thing I feel exhilarated and full of life. Anything is possible in those moments. You walked away from a bad thing and felt even worse. I am sorry for you for that. I wish you could have opened your eyes and saw what you could have had. But you’re an independent girl who’s done all she wanted by herself, even the last years when you were alone in that relationship. Do what you always do, what your used to. That’s the safe bet, you don’t like to take chances.
Maybe you shouldnt tell every girl you love them when in fact you really dont. just saying. I think its funny that you try to tell me how I was feeling. I loved spending time with you and enjoyed your company but I was nothing but honest with you about what I wanted. You can think all you want, convince yourself even if you have to, of what you think I thought and felt. I think I know myself a lil better then you do. Your smothering and not trusting me changed us. My saddness from all the drama around me- I admit didnt help the situation. I dont force myself from happiness-I have been smiling and having a good time with my life these last few days. staying busy, going out with friends, talking to people who can realte and understand what Im going through has helped me so much. Im not being reckless like im sure your thinking. im focusing on me and what makes me happy. I told you all I needed was time. time to be sad and then I would dust myself off, pick myself up, and get back on that horse. (yes I used the horse term bc I know how much you love them) all i needed was time. I didnt stop myself from happiness. I needed to be sad, get it out of my system first. Everyone copes different. Thats how I do it. Im sorry if you didnt like that. you always said you loved me but jordan you didnt love me, when you really love someone its through there best times and there worst times. you dont damn them or say there doomed when they are going through a hard time. if our situations had been reversed my focus would be on doing and giving you what you needed to be happy again. Weather it be time, space, dancing around like a retard. My first priority would have been you-not what you needed to do or act to make me happy. Most the time you were like that but when the shit finally hit the fan and my world really was falling apart you were more concerned about how you wanted me to act so that you felt at peace with us. You would always tell me you would do whatever I needed but your actions were always about how you were feeling and what I needed to do to make you feel better. I dunno… and as for your “When I walk away from a bad thing I feel exhilarated and full of life.” we both know that is straight up bullshit. you have told me how you really feel after a break up or something bad has happened so dont give me your petty lectures when you dont even feel that way. you do try to be positive, more then most ppl do but lets be serious. At least before we could have honest talks, not talks were all I hear is bs coming from your mouth.
Kim, good. I am glad to hear that you are making progress and have found people you can talk to and help you move on. I really am happy for you. I always did tell you that I just wanted you to be happy, with or without me. I am glad that you have friends and people you’ve met who you can communicate with like you used to with me. I hope that you find what you are looking for and don’t sell yourself short. I wanted so bad to be that for you. I did, but I accept that I couldn’t and have to do the same; dust myself and let you go. But I was talking to people last night, and I did love you. I am sorry and I don’t care if you believe me or not. I doesn’t matter. You’re happiness was all I ever cared about and everything I tried to do for you was to make you happy. Even when the communication broke down and I didn’t know what else to do I still tried to power through and do the exact same thing that had worked the other months. I am sorry it was wrong. It was all I knew how to do with you and I am sorry the needs changed and I didn’t adapt properly. Good luck Kim. I sincerely mean it. I always wish you the best and the happiest life. You deserve it. You really do. I just hope you never sell yourself short.
Sorry I wrote you…Guess im not very good at not talking to you after we talked every day for the last few months. I will try my hardest to not contact you anymore since I know that is what you wanted. I am sorry for everything and really wish things would have turned out differently. im trying hard to stay busy and finally do “me” for once since I never have…. You dont have to write back after this message either.. thank you for the time you were in my life. you taught me a lot about myself and other things in life, and for that I am forever thankful. Have a wonderful day- id say goodluck in life and that whole speech but I know you dont need any luck and you are a very strong person who can get through lots of battles. I wont say goodbye to you either bc you never know what the future holds. Maybe our path will cross in cali. I’d like to be able to smile and give you a hug.
The reason that I ask to not be contacted is because it hurts me to see people I care about so much move on to a life with out me. It isn’t fun. I always told you that ignorance is bliss. It’s the only way that I can distract myself from the pain you know I really do feel. You’re right it is hard. it kills me every day. I hate that I still think about you almost every moment of every day. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I hate that the nap I was taking when my phone notified me of this was a dream that you were in. It does hurt. But I ignore my life pain. Always have. But you’re right. You never do know what can happen in the future. I am proud of you for finally focusing on you and what makes you happy for once. I always told you to do that. So I guess I should be happy that you listened.