What do you do when you give up on something? Why do you even give up in the first place? Some people do because it’s too hard and it’s just easier to give up. Maybe in all reality that should always be listed as part of the reason anyone gives up anything because as I type this sentence I came to the realization that no matter what was given up on; if it was easy they would have never given up. I had a great conversation about soulmates the other day with a person who doesn’t believe in them. However she was able to separate that belief out of the conversation, which is a remarkable feat in itself, but we talked about how come “soulmates” don’t always end up together. The reason I said was that either they rushed into something before there soulmate comes along or they give up on their soulmate for one reason or another, at some point though your soulmate will come into your life. Probably multiple times. Where you have a romantic encounter isn’t the point, the soulmate will come regardless of anything in both your lives they will come. I listed a few examples she would know and understand and all in all I think is was one of the most insightful conversations I have had as of late.
I just broke a cardinal rule again and allowed something back in my life I swore I never would again. I guess that’s the magnetism of an individual that could be in the running for a soulmate. Having that realization of her potential allowed me to think in a different pattern then usual and made me more cautious about making the mistake of letting her walk out of my life if that’s what it could be. But after a few days I started feeling the same inklings of what I feared, or as she put it, my insecurities creeping back into my mind. I am a linear thinker and I see patterns and little flaws in people that usually drive me to just be annoyed. With her there was none. At all. Until the end. Even at the end it was just one. The thing was she always said it was me being selfish and wanting more, and I’ll admit I did to a point. However in reality it was me knowing that the person she was when she was out of the situation was the person I was connected to, when that situation existed there was always second guess and hesitation in the decisions she was making. She was over all a better person removed from it. I was proud of her and happy of her potential and always wanted her to maximize it. People can’t maximize any potential when they are stuck in a circular cycle. That’s the thing about circles, they go around and around forever with no forward progress.
So I had to make a decision; say nothing, fake it, and go on ignoring it or say something and let it be known risking it all in hopes that they will realize what I am saying and maybe, just maybe do something about it. Of course I chose to risk it, If I didn’t I run the risk of being unhappy with someone I care more about then life itself. But ya see it’s a catch-22. If I do say something she could resent me and be unhappy and think there is a level of control that isn’t what I am saying. I just want the best for her no matter who she is with and where she goes. It didn’t work. My words were construed and twisted and soon I was battling words trying to clarify my other words and the overall point was lost in a cloud of fragmented arguments and everything was lost. There was no longer a point for any side on what was being said.
So then you ask yourself one last question in the middle of it all; “Can I let my soulmate go?” For a lot of people the answer is always no. For a select few strong individuals the answer is yes. My answer was a hard yes. She wasn’t happy at that moment and I wasn’t going to force her. I understood her argument. I really did. I don’t think it was the only option or a smart option but it was one that made her feel comfortable. I knew why but I couldn’t understand why she’d want that. She knew it wasn’t right for her to be in it. I knew it too. I tried to let it go, but it caused more harm then it did good and deep down she knew it too. I just wasn’t going to sit by and say nothing about it. It needed to be out in the open. And I guess looking back I don’t care if it looks like I was insecure. I was nervous yeah, but only because it was a choice. There were other places she could have gone, and I am not saying back here with me either. She had more friends. She chose there, there is no way around it. And I couldn’t bare to see someone who had done so much fall right back into the same pattern. The epiphany that we could potentially be locked into this ever repeating cycle again and again was enough to make me say something. I laid it all on the line. I said like it was as best I could. Bits and pieces were heard but not all of it. She said her peace one last time, I listened and I let her go. Will I regret letting her go. Absolutely, but we will never be the way I want us to be or the way she wants us to be. I can’t do what she wants and she can’t do what I want. We are linked by a higher force for sure. A bond like that is pure electricity and can’t be broken. We can always feel when the other is near or thinking, even if we’re far away. When we were “on” there was nothing that could ever bring us apart. Ever. But when we were “off” it was so foreign to both of us that we got confused and angry at each other quickly.
I guess this rambling that I am typing here is more of a way for me to wade through the flood of thoughts in my head and get it out. Sorry if it’s not as elegant or formatted as other posted but this one is different in itself. Usually I state that there is “only better things to come from here,” but there isn’t this time. This was the pinnacle. Even with our flaws when we were off it doesn’t matter; we were so rarely off that it’s all water under the bridge. The high water mark has been reached in my life. All others will bring bits and pieces of what we had into my life, not all of it though. Hopefully I can find myself with enough of it to make me happy again. We’ll see. At least now I know where the line is that I draw with my patience and understanding. She will forever be my soulmate I am sure and I am thankful that I met her and had that for as long as I did. All things I’ve written here before about all others doesn’t hold a fraction of the emotion I felt for her. I was ignorant before when I spoke about them, ignorant to what this felt like. There was no comparison.
I will write more tomorrow, just need to find the words.