Today I guess I am supposed to be sad. I mean that would be the normal reaction when something ends that you really thought would last forever. I’m not though. Sure I am sad that the time is gone and that there won’t be any more of the fun adventures we shared, but at the same time I guess I just feel like it had reached its end. I wanted it to last. Of all the people I had ever written about this was the one that I felt was right for me. I felt like I had actually tried to find the best fit for me and I had succeeded finally at that. All was perfect. Both of our goals in life, our dreams, the city we wanted to live in, the hobbies, and even the spiritual ideals. The struggles that we went through together over the last 8 months made it seem like we could get through anything; “the worst was over” type thinking. Guess we were wrong.
I am writing once again from Los Angeles. As you all are well aware of it’s a city I have always dreamt of and finally made it to a few years back by reaching hard for the most in life and never taking no for an answer. After a couple returns to Oregon to clear my head I decided the time was right to once again head back to the city of angels, this time with what I had always wanted by my side. We had no plan, no job, no house, and no money. We did it anyway. Thinking that if it was meant to be it would all fall into place. And it did. But it took a while. The stress about finances drove us both into frustration often taking it out on the other. I do feel bad, I was drastically harder then I should have been. Through all those outbursts and stresses there was still forward progress towards the goal we had always talked about. I landed the job that I wanted more than any job I had had prior and was excited for it to change our lives. We’d never get that far.
I’ve mentioned before that relationships take work. They shouldn’t take too much work however. They exist to provide you with companionship through the hard times and extra joy during the good, a support system that you can’t find on your own. When that support system starts to deteriorate there becomes little use for the relationship as it becomes more work maintaining the relationship then it would without it. I tried to stretch myself so thin for this one. Doing all I could to build that dream we spent 8 months talking about always sacrificing personal gains for the better of the both. I already know that she’ll saying I’m trying to make myself out to be a god or that I did nothing for her, but I did. She forgets the little things; the times I was there through tears after 3am walks to a parking lot, the venting phone calls, the stressed out nights I sat up and talked, the siding with her always, and everything in between. I admit that when we came to LA my fuse became shorter and I would lash out in inappropriate ways and I shouldn’t have. However at the same time I felt like I was the only one pushing to be better. I just know her potential; when she sets her mind to something she gets it. I wish she would have done that more.
When I took her back to Portland I knew that it would be the end. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t. Despite her telling me the night before we left that “we’ll be ok” I knew we wouldn’t. We would get there and get all her stuff squared away with her car then I would return to LA and she would start doing the same thing she was here in Portland, trading one bedroom for another. I tried to keep it alive and of course my frustration came out one night when it shouldn’t have. I just had a moment and let my anger fly. I don’t know why but that is all in the past now. I don’t even know where I am going with this…
I guess I just wish that I could find someone who is committed to make something work. Someone to fight for me like I fight for them, to adore me like I adore them. To find, once again, what I almost had here and all the rest of it too. I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. I am trying to work on them. I just need someone who is willing to work through it all with me too; someone that I can spend my time with constantly growing and becoming better. There will be hard times and slip-ups but how we will recover from those is what will make us untouchable. Does that even exist?