Do you ever look at someone’s life that you used to be extremely close to now and see how different your paths went after you drifted apart? Someone that you used to know better than anyone, now looking at their life you hardly even recognize them. The only thing familiar is their face in some of the pictures. It’s a strange feeling. Then those wonderful “what if’s” start to creep in; what would your life be like if you stayed with them? What things would you be enjoying now instead of the ones you actually do these days? What opinions would you have in life verses what you have now? What would you have seen or not seen? It’s a strange feeling. It’s gets me thinking, I always feel like I am making my own choices in life and try and make ones that make me happy. Now I am looking at it from the angle that my choices and opinions today are based more on the environments surrounding me in my past than I ever believed before. I imagined that my mind and will power was strong enough for me to carve my own path in this life, but now I realize that my current desires were influenced more by my past relationships then I ever imagined. I took a little piece from each and every one of those and made my own life today. No matter how fulfilled or unfulfilled it is, it’s mine, kind of. That’s a weird realization for me to have just now come to I guess.
I wish I could always get exactly what I want these days. I have this picture in my head of exactly how I want my life to be and almost all the parts are there. I feel like I should really be making some solid progress to my end goal of being content across all areas, reaching my goal of complete comfort and stability that I long for, a life where I don’t have to worry or want. If I need it I can provide it for myself or my other. I am finding that my life is more like putting together a computer desk after moving for the 10th time; some of the parts are there and some have gone missing. Typically I’d tell myself to just go to the figurative store in my life and buy the missing parts to replace them, but this time it seems like the store is closed and I am driving around aimlessly trying to find one that is open and has the parts I want/need. Speaking with a friend this afternoon and bitching about my plight I stated that I am just going to “give up” on my search. What’s the point anyway right?
I have spent the last 6 months focusing hard on my career only and it’s gotten me far. For the first time in my life I can say that I am truly happy and excited about the company I work for and what we are doing as a company. It’s very rewarding. I have been trying to re-introduce romance into my life slowly but every time I try I find myself picking them apart and fearing repeating a pattern that I have so many times before. I am trying to be slow and let it happen more organically this time without letting it get in the way of what I am trying to accomplish professionally. It’s hard. Sometimes the whole thought of it just makes me want to be alone forever honestly.
I am sitting here right now thinking about how I got to this very seat, both at this company and where I am in a more general sense of existence. It’s interesting. One year ago I had made it to the halfway mark on rebuilding a life completely from flames of the wreckage of what I once had. I had a life most would dream of and then in an instant it was gone. I had to start completely over at the bottom again. Minimum wage, no home, and barely enough to afford gas to get to the job that paid for it. Then through shear drive I clawed my way back up each step of the ladder, never taking “no” for an answer. Ever. One year ago this week I packed up my car and headed back to LA; my third trip down. This one was the first without a plan. I was homeless, jobless, and had about $700 in my bank when I left. When I arrived in town and went to see an old friend and he took me in and rented me a room. That was the sign that I needed to let me know I made the right choice and gave me the fire and motivation to start my search to refill that dream I once had had and achieve it again. And you know what? In less than 30 days I found the path. And here I am almost one year later stoked on it! I am actually proud of myself and proved that people can achieve literally anything they set their minds too. I no longer will ever accept the words “I can’t” to be spoken around me because anyone actually can. Well maybe a cripple couldn’t walk, but you get what I am saying…
I had a conversation with Steff a couple months ago when she was here and she asked if I ever miss a certain ex and it got me thinking that I do. Not in the” I-wish-shed-come-back” way but in the way that I enjoyed the good times and the companionship that came with having the stability in my life as well as that insane connection that existed with some of them. As I think even deeper into that thought I realize that I only really miss a couple of them. The others were just filler, like a crappy album that only contains a couple of hits but has to have 10-12 songs to make the whole thing a product to sell. I don’t want to run into anything with haste anymore. I want to write the perfect song and have it take off as a single; the only song I will ever need to write. But at the same time I can’t stop playing because I’ll never write it. I just don’t want to record anything until I am sure it is the perfect score. Ok that music analogy got a little involved. Ha!
I watch all of you getting married and settling down’ as most do with time, and I find myself longing for that same comfort and consistency sometimes. However, I always enjoy my freedom. I have been in a relationship before that had the perfect balance of both. I’d like to find that again. I guess since I have one area of my life figured out and I knew how to get there I should exercise that same formula in this area too. I have to hold on to the optimistic side of my personality through this down time and not let the negativity eat me alive. It’s the only way to find true bliss across all areas of my existence.