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Damn if I do, Damned if I don’t

Posted on by Jordan

Trust is so key in a relationship. It’s the foundation that you build that whole house of love. Sometimes you can make a conscious choice to be trusting and not jealous. You still feel the doubt but choose not to vocalize them and eventually you shove them so far down that you don’t even realize you’re feeling them. Then all of the sudden, like the rush when a dam breaks, something breaks you and then they all come flooding down the canyon and destroy everything in their path. The last two relationships I have been in I have been working on my trust and jealousy. That ate up the ones of the past and since I am smart enough to realize this fault I decided to work on it. I did damn good too. So good in fact that the trust and freedom actually starts to affect me negatively again. Sometimes they actually get upset because I am now so easy going and act live everything is cool. Yes, I am still feeling it! I just want to be the best I can and not be controlling anymore. But apparently there is some call for a little control and to set up boundaries early. If you don’t when you set one up it can be culture shock for your partner. I just try so hard to be all things to my girl. So hard. I always listen to everything she says she didn’t like about her last relationships and focus on being the opposite. I now find that if she says she didn’t like those things but some of them she did a little. Even on a subconscious level. And I also find that when you become prince charming girls might start to resent you for it. They are so used to things one way and then now it’s all different and the change makes them freak out a little. When that happens they start to take it for granted quickly. Then if one thing goes wrong they explode because they are trying to adjust to this new perfect and that one sliver of issue throws them into defensive mode. Right now the position I feel I am in is; hopeless. I simply can’t win. I lose if I am controlling, I lose if I am too trusting. Where the fuck is the balance? Why does it have to be so complicated?

I’ve also noticed that girls have a hard time letting go of the most fucked up relationships. I don’t get it. The ones that hurt them the most are the ones they hang on to. It’s frightening to witness. They can have everything they’ve ever wanted in their arms but the mind will wander to the pain from the past that it refuses to let go of. I guess I can relate in a sense because I always seem to go for the damaged girls. I feel some sort of natural urge to show them wonderful things and to protect them and show them what they can have. But I always lose in the end. Why do I do this to myself? I am aware of me doing it but I can’t stop. I just have to fix everything always. I need to tell myself that I can’t fix those things and just let everything be as it will be. Now if I can just make myself listen to myself I would be good to go.

The next adventure without me :)

Posted on by Jordan

Why do the things I care about most in life tend to dry up and float away?  I think that I am cursed.  I made a deal with the wrong deity in the past and am forever cursed to not be able to hang onto my dreams.  Whether they be professional career choices, or money, or even love.  I get to experience an influx of happiness that leaves me euphoric and peaceful and then it slips through my hands like sand and blows away in the wind never to be seen again.  I have to remind myself to remember that the simple fact that I even got to experience it at all is the true blessing.  Some people would argue that it’s better to be ignorant to the fact that it exists so there is no pain and you just simply wouldn’t know it ever existed at all and therefore there would be no feeling of emptiness when it’s gone.  But me, I like to know that it’s out there, and I LOVE to know that I got to experience it. I was privy to something that, no matter how brief, was so intense and all encompassing that I leave it enlightened and in daze that my mind will never recover from, only seek again and more.  It’s how I know that I am on the right path.

This summer has been a ride.  I started it out on a rollercoaster of emotions that were leaving me tired and often dreading having to carry over to the next day.  And then in an instant by a pool in Sun River my whole summer did a 180 and turned into the best one I have ever had.  I crave good company.  And when I find it I tend to never want to let it go.  I should know by now that it’s impossible for me to hang on to it.  But I always try.  My mind was challenged this summer and my eyes were re-opened to the possibilities of a wonderful life and I was reminded by watching her that dreams are obtainable and anything is possible when you truly put your mind on a goal and say “Imma do that shit.”  A nomad walked into my life and changed it all.  Every single part of me is changed 100% from where I was July 1st.  I am happy again, I don’t settle for less than perfection, I am back to questioning the things in life I should, and I am setting higher goals.  One of the things I enjoyed most this summer was sitting around the campfire at the beach and just looking at this girl.  Just thinking about how to me, she was all I wanted and needed in that moment.  Perfection.  I haven’t felt satisfied in years on all levels.  And somehow this girl just did it for me.  And the only thing I ever wanted to do was make sure she was the happiest girl on the planet in that moment.  Making her feel more adored and loved than she could ever hope to be.  I think I did a good job.  The best part was that making her happy in turn made me happy.  It was a very surreal experience.  The adventures that we went on were something that I had been craving too.  I never had the motivation to go try new adventurous things anymore.  And here in the last two months her and I went all over the West Coast seeing scores of new things.  If I could change one thing about this summer, it would be that I met her earlier so I could have spent more time with her before she goes on to her next adventure without me.

All this means that I am closing another chapter in the fucked up book that is my life this coming weekend.  I wonder if this chapter will be the climax in the story?  Meaning that everything after this moment is the steady decline until the dramatic conclusion at the end of me.  It’s interesting to me that I mark chapters in my life by the love I experience and not other mile posts.  I guess that proves what I care about most in my world.  This case is different.  Usually when I write the end of a chapter it’s unexpected and forced like they end in Dan Brown books.  This is different.  This is going to end not because of hatred or spite but because she is simply going on a new adventure that’s bigger and better than I could ever offer and I cannot go along with her.  This one is a trip she has to do alone.  I am excited and happy for her.  Of course I feel the selfish “I don’t want her to go” emotions that anyone in my position would feel but I am able to focus my energy on the happiness and excitement for her and what she is going to be able to accomplish.  In this place I can shove my emotions down and swallow them without choking.  I was fortunate enough to experience the love and feelings with her for the moments I did and wouldn’t trade it for anything.  The circumstances that brought us both together at those moments in time wouldn’t have worked if either of us were in different places when we met.  The timing for me was perfect.  It was a breath of fresh air in a moment that all I was breathing was stale and poisonous.   I am walking away from this a different person.  I know people always say this, but really.  She changed my life.  She made me think more about the choices I was making and made me reinforce the old mottos I used to live by but had since forgotten or ignored.  For that I thank her.  I owe her a lot.  She made me happier than she will ever know.  Maybe someday in the future we’ll meet again down the road of life and look up and see that the stars have aligned, once again, for us.  But for now I leave that up to fate.  If fate even exists.

Real Life Realization

Posted on by Jordan

Trying to find your words can be a struggle.  Funny how when you’re talking you seem to be able to swim through the sea of adjectives and find what you are looking for but when it can come to writing there can be a sense of drifting.  This whole year has been a bit of a wash.  Not really much to ever write home about or put in a memoir. Oh well.  All I can do now is try and make up for lost time and hope to find some sort of solace from the wasted time.  When you try and force something to work that just won’t it can be so emotionally draining that when you get the chance to walk away from it you actually don’t. It’s like an old rusty car, it’s such a struggle to get it going that when you get it idling you just can’t walk away from it no matter how much pain it took to get it going because the time invested in the act was so great that you just can’t get it in your head that you blew all that time on something that should have been as easy as turning a key once.  Finally you realize that that time you could have been doing real things to better yourself instead of trying to get something running that doesn’t want to be or shouldn’t even be running in the first place.  When you surround yourself with negativity, even if it’s lashing out during extreme moments, it can really start to wear on you and no matter how good you are at keeping a positive outlook on life eventually you will start to question yourself.  They say that you should look in the mirror from time to time and evaluate the person staring back, but what do you do if you started one day 10 months ago and were actually happy with that person, and then look a week ago and actually see a change for the worse.  I was told last week that I am a bad person and all this crap about being a loser and scum, and hearing those things often can make you question who you are, but sitting today after this week of reflection I have realized that I am a good person.  I used to often put those people I care about most above my needs and make sure they are comforted. And you know what, I still do.  It’s not my fault that the other person didn’t see or appreciate that, but I am the same way I was then today and others seem to see it.  I am a good person.  I have worked hard in my life to walk a honest and decent path.  And you know what, I think I am doing pretty fucking good.  You can try and take stabs at little things, minuet details that don’t even show up on the big picture; the painting that is my life.  The canvas is actually full of vibrant colors of the things I do that make other people smile and make me smile. Those colors just over all outweigh the dark colors.  And you see that big white space on the right? That’s where I will continue to paint the next part of my life.  Hopefully I have shed what was making it dark and bring it back to the light.  Thomas Kinkade would be proud.

Starting a new chapter is always weird.  It can be hard if you don’t have someone near you to support and help you through it.  It can be a battle that, if fought alone, you’ll just give up and retreat back to your old habits and comfortable feelings. However sometimes the stars in the sky align just right and out of the whirlwind of cosmic dust comes just the right formula and something happens to make your head spin. Not in the confused way, but in the daze of a surreal moment that is just what you needed to realize that you made the right choice.  Through the fog comes something brilliant and wonderful.  Something that others might have not seen or appreciated unless they were in your exact position at that exact moment in time.  All the factors add up to something incredible that can leave you breathless.  Even if just for a moment in time.  That moment, however,  is one of those moments that you would simply sacrifice everything to come in the future just to have and to hold it for a brief instant in time.  I was looking back through the few things I wrote down over the past year and I saw how I said that I was starting to lose faith in my “everything happens for a reason” attitude doubting that out of the bad moments in my life something wonderful comes to fruition.  Well in an instant that faith is restored.  Not by the perfect compatibility and same mind set but by a creative friendship that challenges my thoughts with the differences in her well spoken ideals and her ability to put her beliefs into words that make me understand and think more deeply about my own convictions and values.  It’s been so long since I have been able to have a conversation about those topics with someone who can truly challenge my mind with their insights and life adventure experiences.  I have learned in the last 5 days that you don’t have to live a hard and abused life to be wise and insightful.  You just have to go through this life with an open mind, and refuse to close it.  Absorbing your surroundings like a sponge and constantly learning from all things; good and bad.  What you do with that knowledge is so key.  Whether you use it to grow or whether you just possess it and lock it down deep inside of you and never let it affect you, this could be the difference between allowing you to achieve enlightenment or being a dull soulless life doomed to wander the depths of life repeating your own personal history.

I have an issue where I hate to be alone.  I crave the stability and the comfort of the known in this area of my life.  I seem to feel these days all the good girls seem to be either snatched up already or have kids.  The pond just seems to be getting smaller and smaller and there are just so few fish left in it that I worry I won’t catch anything worth keeping.  It always seems I find something despite this mentality though.  I don’t know why I can’t shake it.  It seems to contradict the “everything happens for a reason and something better will come out of it” mentality that I have but for some reason these two contrasting opinions are able to coexist freely in my mind without incident.  Too often I latch onto the first thing that comes my way and I end up getting burned in a few months.  I was told today that I should just stay single for awhile.  But then my fear of being alone sets in and my I get nervous and fearful.  I also am a firm believer in just letting things work themselves out and I think that with the faith I have I will just be guided down the right path.  What if that path is right in front of me already?  I have to figure these things out.  Is it right or is it just me seeking the first thing I see.  It sure feels amazing and what I am looking for in almost all areas with the few exceptions. I just don’t know right now and am confused I guess.  One thing I do for sure though; I wouldn’t trade the last 5 days for anything on the planet.  They literally changed my life, and I didn’t even realize how much I needed them.

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Hello world! Again…

Posted on by Jordan

Alright.  I am fed up with Drupal always deleting all my content on automatic upgrades so I am switching to WP.  More people dev for WP anyway…  Give me some time to get this built up.  I am gonna change the format of this site too…  Pictures are back.  Videos,  links, and store coming back soon too!

Making Decisions

Posted on by Jordan

It’s been a long time since I posted something. My head has been a fog that is not even now really beginning to clear. Things change again and once more I find myself back in Southern California. Only now shedding my nomadic home and stepping out back into the scary world on my own and taking life one day at a time. I hear people say that I am crazy, selfish, foolish for making a snap decision at the end of last year and packing up everything, again, and three days later hauling off 1000 miles with little more than the clothes on my back. But I did it. You have to take those chances in life or you’ll never get anywhere. There really are two types of people in the world; the ones that say they’ll do things, and the one who actually do them. If you don’t fear the world and choose to leave things up to fate instead you’ll find that things often work themselves out on their own and the pieces of the puzzle fall right into place like it wants to be put together. You can’t lie dormant all your life, you and only you control your destiny and you have to be the motivator that pushes yourself to become more then what you are. If that’s what you want.

Constantly searching for more leads to the discovery of greater things. I sit and watch people around me sit idle or even stuck in their lives filled with monotony and repetition and I wonder how they can do it. Me, I found a place I love and I went after it. It took next to nothing really. It took a decision and a drive to execute on that decision. Nothing more. You can save money all your life and try and have a set plan when you get there, but ultimately you’ll wind up in the same place you would have if you had just left it up to chance. The stars have a strange way of aligning and causing things to just… work. When you get this ideal drilled into your head and start to truly believe it you’ll find a whole new world of immense possibilities opens up with endless opportunity and happiness found in all facets of your new daily life. Planning will only work out if conditions are perfect, however, just as the weather often teaches us, they never really will be. You just make a decision to do something on a day and do it.



My Damn Mind Gets The Best of Me Again…

Posted on by Jordan

The day is weird. I sit here now after planning on writing something on my drive to the office today. Then I make a decision to listen to some samples of my ex’s new record that came out on Tuesday. I knew there were some songs that were written during the good parts, the demise, and the post relationship fallout. And I am not going to lie. It makes me feel awkward. Of course not all of them are about me, I would be selfish to even assume that any are. But I know that girl better than anyone on the planet, even her family. Though I am a closed-in and a seemingly emotionless stone I still listen and learn people. I understand them better than most realize I do. Remember that I was with her through her most crucial transition from young girl to young woman in a world that makes people grow up faster than anyone should. At first it seemed like it was a slow transition, but in the industry everything can happen overnight. Literally. And it did. So now I listen to our memories that are forever captured on that plastic disc and will live on forever and that others now listen to and find some sort of common thread that makes them feel like they were/are just like we once were. This feeling and thought to me puts me in a weird frame of mind. Please read on and it will all make sense I promise.

Today as I drove to work I stumbled on a Keith Urban song called “Thank You” that he actually wrote about his battle with alcohol abuse and his wife, Nicole Kidman, supporting him and helping save him. This is what made me want to write this post today. There is a line in that song that goes:

“Now people say they’ll stand beside you, they swear they’ll never leave,
And when the rain started falling, you know it only fell on me,
And it was hard to keep believing in myself with so much pain and guilt and shame,
I couldn’t even ask for help.”

This was a serendipitous experience when it happened because I believe that true love, I mean the real kind, is standing by someone at the lowest point in their life, when all else is destroyed, ruined, and fucked. The stability of your companion’s love for you is the only force left in your life and at least you can always count on that. Their love is unconditional since it’s true and pure and so deep in both your lives. However if you have ruined everything, and you turn to your lover and ask for that love and they can’t give it until you “get help” then you are left completely alone. You are in a dark room with no windows, no doors, and no light of love to lead you forward to where you need to go. Maybe that true love never existed at all. This is a scary thought to think when you have spent so much of your life with someone and assumed it was there the whole time. Will I ever have that? I thought I did. Twice actually. But as fate rears her ugly head, it turns out I did not. I have always been a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” motto since out of every crashed relationship I have had something wonderful has come out of it. But this time it seems a little different. I thought it was ringing true, but again fate choose to not have it work. I don’t know if it is the world trying to give me a reality check on my “oh well fuck it attitude” and telling me I need to start caring more instead of cruising through trusting fate to pull me where I need to be, or if it is simply bad luck.

I thought I was once living a life on constant holiday. Having a great job, an easy going girl, living in a city I have always dreamt of living, and being happier than I realized. Then I hit critical mass and collapsed under the weight of my own mind, which often gets the best of me. I always let this happen. The paranoia of things going too well which then makes me think things are not what they seem. Then I start to question my choices that led me to where I am, and even the place I actually am. I question the longevity of the situation I am in and if it is actually the right one for me and where I am supposed to be at. I hate feeling like I am spinning wheels and when things stay the same for a long time, no matter how well it’s going, that sneaking feeling creeps and makes me piss my pants. Then my mind wanders further to the cautionary land of, “what else could I be?” And that is where I crumble. I fucking wish I could just embrace how fortunate I am sometimes and ease my complicated thoughts and surrender to my true happiness I am experiencing instead of getting greedy and wanting more when I am already full. What is wrong with me? I want so bad to say that I am where I am now for a reason, but I don’t believe it now. I think I am where I am as a direct result of the bad and selfish choices I have made in the past year. I regret them. And I don’t like feeling like that. I have never felt like this before. Now I step back from my own body and watch myself with outstretched hands in that dark room reaching for ANYTHING to hold onto, anything that can give me some sort of comfort and peace of mind that will let me know I am in a familiar place. Even if the object is foreign, I can find some sort of familiarity in it, just enough to be comforted for a moment in my panic. But that feeling is fleeting. And soon, I will be right back to where I was. Alone. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is not in my stars to live the life I thought I deserved and was on track to having. Maybe my mind will forever be my Achilles Heel. That would make sense; the thing I thought was most special about me turns out to be my weakest part and causes my whole existence to be destroyed.

I am damaged goods. A broken shell of a man wondering alone, and living on hope that one day it will all work out. However, that outlook is bleak.