My Damn Mind Gets The Best of Me Again...

The day is weird. I sit here now after planning on writing something on my drive to the office today. Then I make a decision to listen to some samples of my ex’s new record that came out on Tuesday. I knew there were some songs that were written during the good parts, the demise, and the post relationship fallout. And I am not going to lie. It makes me feel awkward. Of course not all of them are about me, I would be selfish to even assume that any are. But I know that girl better than anyone on the planet, even her family. Though I am a closed-in and a seemingly emotionless stone I still listen and learn people. I understand them better than most realize I do. Remember that I was with her through her most crucial transition from young girl to young woman in a world that makes people grow up faster than anyone should. At first it seemed like it was a slow transition, but in the industry everything can happen overnight. Literally. And it did. So now I listen to our memories that are forever captured on that plastic disc and will live on forever and that others now listen to and find some sort of common thread that makes them feel like they were/are just like we once were. This feeling and thought to me puts me in a weird frame of mind. Please read on and it will all make sense I promise.

Today as I drove to work I stumbled on a Keith Urban song called “Thank You” that he actually wrote about his battle with alcohol abuse and his wife, Nicole Kidman, supporting him and helping save him. This is what made me want to write this post today. There is a line in that song that goes:

“Now people say they'll stand beside you, they swear they'll never leave,
And when the rain started falling, you know it only fell on me,
And it was hard to keep believing in myself with so much pain and guilt and shame,
I couldn't even ask for help.”

This was a serendipitous experience when it happened because I believe that true love, I mean the real kind, is standing by someone at the lowest point in their life, when all else is destroyed, ruined, and fucked. The stability of your companion’s love for you is the only force left in your life and at least you can always count on that. Their love is unconditional since it’s true and pure and so deep in both your lives. However if you have ruined everything, and you turn to your lover and ask for that love and they can’t give it until you “get help” then you are left completely alone. You are in a dark room with no windows, no doors, and no light of love to lead you forward to where you need to go. Maybe that true love never existed at all. This is a scary thought to think when you have spent so much of your life with someone and assumed it was there the whole time. Will I ever have that? I thought I did. Twice actually. But as fate rears her ugly head, it turns out I did not. I have always been a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” motto since out of every crashed relationship I have had something wonderful has come out of it. But this time it seems a little different. I thought it was ringing true, but again fate choose to not have it work. I don’t know if it is the world trying to give me a reality check on my “oh well fuck it attitude” and telling me I need to start caring more instead of cruising through trusting fate to pull me where I need to be, or if it is simply bad luck.

I thought I was once living a life on constant holiday. Having a great job, an easy going girl, living in a city I have always dreamt of living, and being happier than I realized. Then I hit critical mass and collapsed under the weight of my own mind, which often gets the best of me. I always let this happen. The paranoia of things going too well which then makes me think things are not what they seem. Then I start to question my choices that led me to where I am, and even the place I actually am. I question the longevity of the situation I am in and if it is actually the right one for me and where I am supposed to be at. I hate feeling like I am spinning wheels and when things stay the same for a long time, no matter how well it’s going, that sneaking feeling creeps and makes me piss my pants. Then my mind wanders further to the cautionary land of, “what else could I be?” And that is where I crumble. I fucking wish I could just embrace how fortunate I am sometimes and ease my complicated thoughts and surrender to my true happiness I am experiencing instead of getting greedy and wanting more when I am already full. What is wrong with me? I want so bad to say that I am where I am now for a reason, but I don’t believe it now. I think I am where I am as a direct result of the bad and selfish choices I have made in the past year. I regret them. And I don’t like feeling like that. I have never felt like this before. Now I step back from my own body and watch myself with outstretched hands in that dark room reaching for ANYTHING to hold onto, anything that can give me some sort of comfort and peace of mind that will let me know I am in a familiar place. Even if the object is foreign, I can find some sort of familiarity in it, just enough to be comforted for a moment in my panic. But that feeling is fleeting. And soon, I will be right back to where I was. Alone. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is not in my stars to live the life I thought I deserved and was on track to having. Maybe my mind will forever be my Achilles Heel. That would make sense; the thing I thought was most special about me turns out to be my weakest part and causes my whole existence to be destroyed.

I am damaged goods. A broken shell of a man wondering alone, and living on hope that one day it will all work out. However, that outlook is bleak.